Welcome back to a very special edition of The Pint Sized Review! Today we are talking about our experience doing a tour of the very first brewery to be featured here- Steele Street Brewing! Full disclosure, this was in no way paid for or sponsored by SSB, though the pints were provided to us as a courtesy. Read to the end and you’ll understand that we most certainly paid for it later.

Also spoiler warning: THIS IS A LONGER READ THAN MY OTHER REVIEWS and the first part of several in a series. Instead of pint sized, this is more like a barrel. A basin. A bowl. #blazeit

Steele Street Brewing is, as you guessed it, a brewery in Ionia, Michigan. I wasn’t sure where Ionia actually was when I agreed to go visit. 90 minutes after I left my door, we found ourselves in front of what I could describe as, “The hell is this?”

This beer made the Kessel Run in a unit that actually describes time. 

Honestly, if it wasn’t for the giant liquor store-esque red letterings that screamed “BREWERY” in my face, I would’ve driven right past it. Luckily though my brakes are fresh AF and I came to a quick stop, giving Kate the most mild case of whiplash.

I hesitantly walked into what I thought looked like an unlicensed Kuk Sool Wan dojo. I opened the doors and was greeted with…

A glorious, glorious brewpub.

Logan Bailey of Red Legs fame greeted us at the door. He sang into my soul, then he screamed into my ear. Both actions make my nippies pucker with musical joy and erotic angst. And then he topped it all off by pouring us six pints of glistening beer. Were I unwed I would take him in a manly fashion.

Our beards would get tangled as we embraced and kissed. 

The first beer in the lineup caught my eye immediately. It was a dark, dark cupadastuff called the Double D Milk Stout.

What Double D’s where you thinking of? Perv.

This was dark. Dark like waddling naked from the shower with my eyes shut. Like beer with the lights out. You could shine a light and the particles would bend into the glass. Matthew McConaughey would rant about love being a part of physics or something.

This looks like Coca-Cola.

When I took a sniff it smelled SO SWEET, like melted ice cream. Milk stout usually has lactose added as part of the brewing process. It doesn’t ferment so it doesn’t add alcohol, but it gives that sweet, ice cream-like quality. Smelling this reminds me of eating a bowl of the good stuff while watching Zorro. I don’t know why it’s so specific. Motherf***ing Freud.

Something about ice cream makes me want to be a Latino Robin Hood.

OH GOD THAT’S REALLY GOOD.

Seriously, this tastes so damn good. I breathe out and my sinuses fill with a coffee-like sensation.

Everything can only possibly go downhill from here.

It’s not silky like I thought it would feel like. How Guinness is silky and smooth, not that it’s not smooth. It’s VERY smooth, but it has a prickly carbonation to it. Nothing overpowering. Good roastiness to it. This is a solid beer.

It has that malty flavoring to it without that sweet corn sensation you get in cheap beers. It sticks to the roof of your mouth like cream.

Someone save me, I’ve found some weird gifs and I’m sharing them all with you. 

If this is how the rest of the beers are going, I think I found my new favorite brewery.

I recommend pairing this with fall and winter instagramming and tending to a broken femur after falling off the bunny hill on your first skiing attempt.

#irecommendmixingdrugsandalcohol

Stay tuned for Part 2 of our Adventure to Steele Street Brewing!