Welcome back to a long-delayed Pint Sized Review! It’s the apocalypse! HOORAY!
Many of you have been prepping a long time in anticipation of this day… so f*** you for buying all the toilet paper. I’ve lost so many good socks this week.
This is… a very, very difficult time for everyone. Uncharted waters in a sea of doubt. Over a third of the nation is quarantined and something like 50 million people are unemployed all of a sudden.
I do not believe the country needs to rely on big business and stocks to succeed. Yes, there’s a place for all that, but I think especially in dire times we need to support each other. Support small and local business because let’s face it: Cruise ships and Chevrolet and Shell and Mar-a-lago and banks will all get bailouts, but your neighborhood pub won’t receive a dime.
If you are healthy enough to venture outside of your home (and if you aren’t, STAY THE HELL HOME), go grab some to-go beers from your favorite brewery. Go to the little guy and give them your dollars if you still have dollars to spare. Help keep them around and when this all is over they’ll throw you a party like you’ve never seen.
So here’s to the little guys. To the craft, to the love of your neighbors and your community. That’s what America is to me.
And you know what else is America?
How appropriate for everyone hunkering down and avoiding the infected.
Equally appropriate, tonight we are drinking Zombie Dust by Three Floyds. A pale ale given to me by my wife’s brother’s wife’s stepfather.
Let’s aim for the head.
“I want to look like what they look like on the television/First thing when I wake up.” –Unamerican, Dead Sara
Well, this beer is pretty damn gorgeous. Coppery, honey yellow with intense head retention. Looks like somebody put meringue on top of my beer.
Hell yeah, brother. This beer is ready to party.
“It’s the time of the season/When love runs high.” –Time of the Season, The Zombies
This beer smells dank, like a freshly pruned-off-the-vine hop cone. A beer like this can most certainly cover up the smell of a rotting corpse, I say you what.
This smells like a pot-head’s breath after slamming a mango white claw. Citrusy, clean, but stanky.
“Now, don’t hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky/It slips away, and all your money won’t another minute buy.” –Dust in the Wind, Kansas
This tastes different than it smells.
It comes off almost bread-like to me. Like biting into an orange-infused cheddar bread. It’s not sweet, but it definitely has that malty quality of an ale followed up by the bitterness you’d expect from a pale ale.
Oh, I understand the name all-of-a-sudden! Pale Ale! God, I’m stupid.
It’s like marmalade on toast at tea time followed by a bong rip.
“Defunct the strings/Of cemetery things/With one flat foot/On the devil’s wing.” –Living Dead Girl, Rob Zombie
Zombie dust is super well carbonated, even though I have a slightly older bottle. I also feel that the hoppy burning/bitterness didn’t suffer at all with this. Zombie Dust is super well balanced… it just won’t die!!
Who knew that something good could come out of Indiana?
If you have other beer that’s not Three Floyds you think is good, prove it by sending me some beer. You can contact me right here, son.
“Zooooombie! Zoooombie! Zoooombie! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeaaahahahaaaaaaaaayeaaaahaaaaaah.” –Zombie, The Cranberries
I wanted to savor this beer. I really did. I wanted to enjoy every taste and bask in the glory that is the apocalypse. It’s hoppy yet smooth. Malty and bready while still being citrusy and fragrant. 6.2% ABV, but quenching and inviting.
Instead I slammed it, because f*** it, the world is ending, this beer is fantastic and I’m tired of feeling. Now I’m gonna go clean my gun after washing my hands.
This beer pairs with a mushroom/beef burger blend, smoked brisket, long pork, hoarding ammunition, and human flesh.
I mean, probably. I don’t know.
… or do I?
In the situation of an Apocalyptic Event, do not be like the zombie shows and split up. You have to stick together. That’s the only way we can all get through this. Together. But also six feet from each other.
Got a brew you want to share with me? I take submissions and donations to the cause! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or shoot me a message on any of my social media accounts. You can follow me on Twitter @drinkpintsized, Instagram @thepintsizedreview, or the way your parents get their news: on Facebook. Just search “The Pint Sized Review” and you’ll find me. Donate on our Patreon, and if you can’t please like, share our posts, and join the mailing list so you always know when we are putting out some stupid stuff for a laugh and maybe, just maybe, some education.