Welcome back to another Pint Sized Review! In honor of International Women’s Day, we are gonna celebrate with a beer (no shit) and a history lesson (oh shit!). 

Brewing beer, contrary to popular belief, wasn’t always dominated by people that look like they helped carve out the Mines of Moria. No, that was a movement that began in the industrial revolution. 

For thousands of years brewing was delegated to the caretakers of the home. Brewing was lumped into the same categories as cooking, baking, cleaning, defending the home with lethal force, and raising children. 

Brewing beer is, traditionally, a woman’s job. 

Sorry, beer bros. 

Despite the allusions of this GIF, Jonesy and Reilly are quite progressive in their beliefs, despite Big City Slams.

Also, sweet wines were considered manly and beer feminine. 

Suck it, proud boys. 

You know, bro, if you were to up your protein and practice some more exercises like pull ups and deadlifts with some proper coaching, you could not only increase your grip strength, but you’d also probably learn to not be a fascist little bitch.

Back to the point, brewing was almost always assumed to be the responsibility of the matriarch of the family, but when manufacturing and mass production became more accessible it was men who owned the plants and property, so they took over the business as there was actually a business to be had.

And the rest, as they say, happened. 

That’s my wife’s button, not mine. Though… might I ass add that I can squat about 400 pounds, so…. honorary member?

Today we are drinking Two Women by New Glarus Brewing Company! A collaborative brew between New Glarus and Weyermann Malting (two women-led craft companies) and a celebration of the original brewers of the world.

So sit down, shut up, and drink it in. 

“Who run the world? Girls.” –Run the World (Girls), Beyonce

New Glarus always uses brown bottles for their brews, and this one is no different. Pours out goddamn perfectly into the glass as clear as can be. The lager is straw in color with a thick and foamy head. 

Without being obvious, this is textbook Helles lager. It looks unrealistically perfect. It looks like it was rendered for a Pixar movie about beer. 

My job is sooooo hard.

“You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti? You want a Maserati? You better work bitch.” –Work Bitch, Britney Spears

Sniffing it, this smells like the cleanest lager you’ve ever smelled. It reminds me of freshly-baked cornbread from some friends that lived on a secluded farm would make whenever we’d visit. 

The aroma is crispy and full of just nose-candy (that may be a euphemism for cocaine). Grassy notes, malty goodness… it’s like a fresh baked loaf cooling in the middle of a meadow. 

“It’s been a long time since I came around/Been a long time but I’m back in town/This time I’m not leaving without you.” –You and I, Lady Gaga

This tastes just clean, creamy, and perfectly balanced. It’s incredibly malty, with every sip tasting like I’m biting into the tastiest loaf of bread I’ve ever had. Some earthy, grassy notes, too. 

Preach it, sister.

Basically, it tastes just like it smells, which is to say it tastes like magical carbs (new band name, dibs). 

It’s like biting into a homemade sandwich made with honey-spread spongy bread right off the blanket of a picnic in a clover-covered field with nary an ant in sight. Tasting this reminds me of simpler days before student loans and electric cars and alt-right politicians. Days where you woke up with no plans and fell asleep somewhere that isn’t a bed at all. 

AMERICA was FOUNDED on the principle of NOT having a PLAN.

“Just because I’m blonde/Don’t think I’m dumb/Cause this dumb blonde ain’t nobody’s fool.” –Dumb Blonde, Dolly Parton

I feel like it fills spaces in my mouth I didn’t know I had. The creamy, silky body of this just washes over my palate and makes it feel welcome. 

I don’t know.

Imagine a quilt. That quilt is now beer. There. That’s what this feels like. 

It feels like drinking a storage unit filled with Joanne’s Fabric supplies.

“I’m through feeling sorry for the things that I can’t choose/If I made it this far being who I am maybe heaven’s got a back door, too.” –Heaven’s Got a Back Door, Dead Sara

This is without a doubt one of the best lagers I’ve ever had. It’s malty, prickly, creamy, and so easy to drink. You can crush this all day, but you’re going to want to savor every sip. It’s a wonderful celebration of a crisp, clean, inviting style that all beer drinkers can come together and say, “OH SHIT I NEED TO BUY ALL OF THIS NOW.”

Money right out the window… like all of my income.

This coming Sunday (March 8, 2020) is International Women’s Day, so I find that it’s all the more pertinent to talk about how much of an impact women have on the craft beer scene. 

I alluded to it earlier, but it’s true that many people have stereotypes on what a brewer or brewery owner looks like. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had this conversation at the brewery I work at-

Customer: Hey! You make excellent beer here! What inspired you to open up here?

Me: I didn’t make the beer. She did. *points at Kim*

Customer: Oh? Sorry, you just look like you brew here!

Me: I look like I play drums for Amon Amarth. Let’s be real, those girls there are the real scientists at work.

MFW someone thinks that the sprinklers going off at work is somehow my problem to fix.

These interactions, for me, are not offensive in the least bit, but more humorous. I don’t mind being mistaken as the head brewer, but it’s always striking to me when I watch someone’s face revert to shock when they see that the brewery is owned and led by a 5’5” woman who loves unicorns and assisted in brewing by another whom I can only describe as a graceful Elf of Lothlorian (albeit, an elf covered in Star Wars tattoos). 

There used to be next to none, but now there are so many small breweries owned by women all over the world. The products they make are spectacular, and the message of taking control of the craft is clear. There’s a whole group dedicated to promoting and assisting women in brewing through education and camaraderie called The Pink Boots Society. Check them out!

I suppose I just wanted to put my two cents in. Breweries that imagine themselves as a boys club are a thing of the past, especially as the public becomes more and more aware of people’s actions and how they impact their communities. The future isn’t the business, it’s the community you provide for. 

My boss’ reaction to the question, “Can I see the man in charge?”

I’m just an ally in the fight against inequality, but dammit, this blog is about beer. Beer made by people I believe in. Buy Two Women from New Glarus! It’s the best lager you’ll ever have and I challenge you to find a rival. I’d recommend pairing this with goddamn everything, specifically picnics, finger foods, and especially while listening to Billie Eilish while writing a blog. 

In the immortal words of William “Bill” S. Preston Esq. and Theodore “Ted” Logan, “Be excellent to each other… and party on, dudes!” Got a brew you want to share with me? I take submissions and donations to the cause! Email me at dennis@thepintsizedreview.com or shoot me a message on any of my social media accounts. You can follow me on Twitter @drinkpintsized, Instagram @thepintsizedreview, or the way your parents get their news: on Facebook. Just search “The Pint Sized Review” and you’ll find me. Donate on our Patreon, and if you can’t please like, share our posts, and join the mailing list so you always know when we are putting out some stupid stuff for a laugh and maybe, just maybe, some education.

Peace!

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