‘Sup, dudes? Grab some couch, sink in, light up, and let’s just totally vibe in today’s Pint Sized Review. Today, we are going to be dabbing dabbling in a Hemp based drink called Hemp’d, a Hemptail by Rock Wall Brewing.

In association with Taco Bell.
Hemptails. Awhoohoo!

“I was gonna go to court before I got high/I was gonna pay my child support but then I got high/They took my whole paycheck and I know why/ ‘Cause I got high” –Because I Got High, Afroman

Pouring this into a glass, I’m going to get ahead of myself and say thing even though recreational marijuana is legal in Michigan, I feel like I’m on an old episode of Cops and I’m on the other end of the camera. Everything stinks. 

It’s relatable because it’s true.

Looking at this, this looks like Holy Water that’s been left in a cistern for far too long. It has hand grease and makeup from the whole congregation in it. Absolutely crystal clear with zero particulates and a mild olive oil look. Zero bubbles, zero carbonation. 

Jesus Christ I look good.

‘I smoke two joints before I smoke two joints, and then I smoke two more.” –Smoke Two Joints by The Toyes

Like I said earlier, this smells like a filthy, filthy hippy. Like the armpit of a skunk. There’s a sickly slick sweetness that attempts to mask the obvious ganja stank that only makes it smell even more artificial. 

Hey look! It’s everyone that goes to NMU!

It’s like someone put bong water in an essential oil diffuser. 

This smells like I should be listening to Phish. 

“We don’t smoke marijuana in Muskogee/We don’t take no trips on LSD” –Okie from Meskogee, Merle Haggard

This tastes like a soda-based cocktail. I didn’t realize that this wasn’t really a beer. Like, at all. This is more like a High Noon or some sort of malt liquor. 

The moment I realized that this wasn’t actually beer.

This tastes like apple juice left in the trunk of a Caprice Classic that rolled around all summer in an old Faygo 2-liter bottle. Just the hottest, sweatiest summer you can imagine and that bottle just fermented and leached BPA for four months. Like, the smell of weed intermingles with shitty, shitty Indian Summer that’s far past its best by date. 

The taste of summer 1994.

So, it’s sickly sweet, has no carbonation, and every time I burp I felt like it reminded me that I’ll never pass a DOT exam. 

I suppose there’s a honey flavor to it. I… I just don’t know. 

“So let’s get to the point, let’s roll another joint.” –You Don’t Know How It Feels, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

I usually write about mouthfeel here, but f***, I don’t know. It was there. It’s wet. I couldn’t concentrate. 

“Never try/Marijuana, don’t try it at all/It’s a lie/It’s like beating your head on a wall.” –Marijuana, McGruff the Crime Dog

This drink isn’t geared to be taken seriously. This tastes like a novelty to say, “Hey man, look what I bought!” Which is precisely why I bought it, and precisely why Kate made fun of me for buying it. 

Kate can be mean when she feels morally superior.

I feel like this is aimed for underage kids to stretch the legs on their fake IDs and try to convince their peers that they are getting simultaneously high and drunk.

You are neither. You are getting your gallbladder removed after drinking this. This is a sugar bomb and is incredibly hard to knock back. While it is 8%, you’d have a better buzz smoking banana peels.

It’s like Four Loko if instead of caffeine and punching drywall you had hemp seeds and Taco Bell.

I’m not entirely sure why, but I feel like this GIF is perfect for here. Maybe the beer got me high. Maybe nothing makes sense anymore and all is for nought. Maybe I’m just giggling at the most insane and over-the-top hairstyles I’ve ever seen. Maybe it’s the way Jordan Peele says so much with no words. Maybe it’s Keegan-Michael Keye’s viper-like grin.

While I might not have cared for this much, I’m sure there’s an audience for it. If you want to drink a beer that has heavy hemp/marijuana flavors and aromatics, might I suggest The Hemperor by New Belgium? It’s a great IPA that smells like a college dorm room. 

This drink pairs with fast food late at night, wet wipes for after the fast food, thinking you’re edgier than others, and chasing it with a different drink. Like bleach. 

I’ve never told people they should do drugs, but maybe you should just blaze it instead of drinking this.

Buy this. Try this. Then go buy The Hemperor instead. 

The world is changing, and with it the state of beer is changing. Some are made with weed, some are made with donuts. I want to try them all! Got a brew you want to share with me? I take submissions and donations to the cause! Email me at dennis@thepintsizedreview.com or shoot me a message on any of my social media accounts. You can follow me on Twitter @drinkpintsized, Instagram @thepintsizedreview, or the way your parents get their news: on Facebook. Just search “The Pint Sized Review” and you’ll find me. Donate on our Patreon, and if you can’t please like, share our posts, and join the mailing list so you always know when we are putting out some stupid stuff for a laugh and maybe, just maybe, some education.

Peace!

###

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s