Smoked Porter

This is a scoach more than a pint. But hey, that’s showbiz, baby.

PINT SIZED REVIEW!!! This one is brought to you by the Smoked Porter by Alaskan Brewing Company. 

Smoked Porter

Holy God this is black. Black like the oil that’s dripping from the engine block on my dad’s Impala. And the smell! Oh I’ll get to that. 

Freaking amazing lacing. It sticks to the sides of the glass like the souls of the damned on their way to Hell. It’s metal. JUST GIVE UP, YOU DAMNED SOULS! Haha! Puns. The head is brown like Santorum. If you don’t get that reference, that’s probably just fine. 

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Cap? You? Really? … nice!


As I shove my face pipe into the glass, the scent can only be scientifically described as a “Barbecue of an Orca pod.” Maybe even, “Baby seal, but on fire.” Possibly, “Crispy Caribou.”

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Actual footage of my first sip.


I gotta say, this flavor is overpowering. I taste ash and embers. Maybe soot. They took this “smoked” part of the name seriously. It’s like a forest fire that gets you drunk.

When I focus, I can pull out some dark chocolate, tobacco, crazy roastiness, and burned coffee. OH MY GOD. THIS IS EMS COFFEE. For those of you who don’t know, anybody involved in EMS (or any medical profession, for that matter) drinks coffee around the clock and you know the coffee is ready when you can put a spoon in a cup and it sticks straight up. Like viagra for silverware.

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Third overnight shift. Let’s do this. 


There’s almost no carbonation. JUST LIKE EMS COFFEE.

This is getting better with each each sip. As it warms up I can taste so much more, and this is a complex beer. The exhale is akin to exhaling a pipe of some fine pipe weed. Frodo and the Hobbits would be proud.

This. Is. Good. At 6.5%, it’s a great sipping beer to have in the woods or on a porch or maybe Chuck E. Cheese. 

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Don’t… don’t wink at the kids. Just… you know what? Let’s go somewhere else.


They say it get’s better with age, but honestly I don’t think it’d last long enough in my possession. If somebody wants to send me an old bottle, I’ll give you all sorts of karma and, like, good vibes, man.

Pairs best with whale watching, seasonal depression, and sexy firefighter calendars.

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